I watch this video from time to time to remind myself where I want my heart. This is a constant practice for me, one that I fail at time and time again. But one that I believe is important and of immeasurable value. Here I am, practicing again. I want to share this with you, in case you haven’t seen it yet. Lets practice being vulnerable together.
So much is happening in my life right now, it’s hard to know what to put on a page.
Starting week six of the program, already more than halfway through the first term! It’s incredible what they can teach you in that amount of time, the information just comes hurtling in on a daily basis. Two tests already this week, thank heavens I studied anatomy in undergrad!
A few stats:
Courses: 10 (5 lecture, 5 lab)
Classes per day: 2-3
Distance from home: 1.8 miles
Exams completed: 7
Exams looming: 10
Avg class size: 18 or 100
This past weekend I got to move into my new home. Two helpers and three trips to storage. Now I have more of my things and a bedroom of my own, to organize in the coming weeks. Besides a desk and a dog, I think I have basically all I need.
I am touched by how many of you remembered me today and sent a word of support on my first day of medical school. It was a sweet day all around. We had a welcome from the NCNM community, complete with drums, clapping, and a show of many faces in our first lecture. I had more opportunities to connect with fellow students. I even got to have dinner with my little bro. There will be a lot of work to do, but I am confident that I’m in a supportive community, surrounded by resources, and with an auspicious bent.
What a summer it was too. Having been hired on a 67′ charter cruise, I flew up to spend some time with friends I love. After a week of R&R, it was time to board the vessel and heave to. My summer was spent in a continuous cycle of 7 days out, 2 days in, viewing the wildlife, the scenery, eating fresh fish, and enjoying diverse company, followed by two days of recovery! And what wildlife, spectacular! Whales and mountain goats, seals and seal lions, otters, birds, and bears, oh my!
I plan to write a more detailed account, but I wanted to thank you for visiting in my absence! Much more to come in the weeks ahead!
Howdy friends. Today it occurs to me that I can legitimately count down without thinking about it! Numbers are my thing, amazing magic poetry that always resolves if you know how to manipulate it, with constants that plug into diverse formulae. What’s that about?! Okay, but I digress. The countdown!
Today is April 26th, 2013. Gasoline is $3.69/gallon. Apple blossoms are on the trees, and the cherry tree is snowing on the front porch. My broccoli starts are ready to go into the garden, and the dahlias uncovered from their over-winter blanket. Gay marriage and marijuana are legal in Washington State. And today is 28 days from my last day of work. A few days short of a month away from hoisting sails for Alaska. Less than 4 months from my first day of medical school!
So many things to do, so much to sort out and accomplish over the next 4 weeks. Hire and train a new office manager at work. Sort out and pack things to move, separate from the things to bring with me for summer. Paperwork for school while I’m still around internet. Logistics and formalities for my summer job. My mind is scrolling in lists. Each day that I cross something off, one more “big” stress that I can finally set down, it feels like gaining back 5% lung capacity, 5% mood elevation, and 10% heart. I am highly stressed in the most beneficial ways.
Every couple of days I let my head fall back and thank the Universe that I’m not a worrier. This is usually half a moment behind my becoming aware that I’m worrying. As funny as it sounds, I’ve already done this a handful of times lately. Worry is something I have seen so many of my friends, family, patients, and colleagues do, sometimes to a debilitating degree. It can become so ingrained and ubiquitous in a person’s character that they are described as a worrier. As to say that’s what you would notice about that person if you met him/her. Aren’t people amazing creatures?! This soul’s ride through a human body can so easily dwell in cerebral hemispheres! Self undoubtedly included! Worry is not something we see in other species to a fraction of the degree in humans, and yet so many of us adopt it with every cell. Worry becomes a conditioned response. Pavlovian. Incredible! These sorts of things usually get me asking questions about this mind-vehicle we’re all in, most especially, are we riding or driving? Observing a person’s most apparent traits, what they are most comfortable representing to others, and trying to see what light that sheds into their deeper self, I inevitably find these traits in myself as well. Worry is no exception!
Of course I’m not free from worry. I’m not that zen. Yet.
I aim to be. Worry doesn’t serve me. I don’t wind up ahead when I over-think things. In grade school I recognized that I miss more questions on multiple choice tests when I second guess myself and change an answer. Trusting my gut (which has a mind of its own) usually leads me forward, and if I’m listening closely, rarely leads me wrong. So why should I worry?
But then the list gets long and the time gets short. Tasks stack up, responsibilities call, and plans being to form as vague outlines with blanks that can’t yet be filled. This is when I start to worry.
Most often these things build up gradually over time. So slow sometimes that I don’t recognize the worry building until I don’t recognize myself. I start to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Worry takes over. But you know what’s cool? Usually being consciously aware is all it takes to reverse the process. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Being present is shockingly hard and surprisingly easy. Nights like tonight I can sit in the yard feeling mellow, eating my dinner, watching the sunset and be perfectly happy to sit feeling the warmth. Other nights (especially when waiting for an acceptance letter) it’s hard to keep from being a passenger in the mind-car, getting whisked away sudden and often, feeling out of control.
Like I said, I’m so happy I’m not a worrier. I have not mastered this grounding presence, and am still prone to getting caught up in the whirlpool of my mind. Fortunately, this is not a prevalent tendency for me. Details of the day come and go, each moment replaced by the next, new information to process and feel. With so many experiences to be had, I’m not the type to spend a lot of time evaluating and re-evaluating each and every one. I look for the good ones. Savor them.
And when the stress builds, my goal is to savor those too. Balancing the pull with visions of the big picture. And maybe someday I’ll hop in the drivers seat, and steer my way into bliss. :)
Hey world –
Okay, I know, the whole world doesn’t follow my blog. But you’re here! Yup, this one’s for you!
I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been accepted at NCNM, the National College of Natural Medicine! So excited! Thrilled!!
I’ve also discovered that waiting for the final word is more difficult that I realized. Crazy making. Causing me to question all Continue reading